the wingwam of esther slaughter

2007-09-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

Anger, the very message that was preached on Sunday morning. It is attacking me. I'm so torn between the lies and the hurt of everyday life. James believes all of his friends and their stupid lies and rumors over me telling him the actual truth. It hurts. I mean he was going to marry me. Now he's saying that I cheated on him. For crying out loud! I loved him. He's lying right to my face about certain stuff. This just makes me want to draw away from him even more. I don't want to talk to him when he calls. I want nothing to do with his hurtfulness. Our baby is the only reason that I can stand to talk to him. What happened to him. He is now the opposite of what he was. I hope and pray that God does a real miracle. I want to talk to him so badly when he calls, but I just can't act like everything is ok and I'm not ready to blow up over the phone. Part of it is just me wanting him to really miss me. Would I love to be back with him.......yes, but will I? No. Not yet. Funny how awkward it is to be thinking about dating again. I'm finding that God is really really really doing a work in my heart. It's fun to flirt, but when it comes down to it my standards are so different and strict.

2007-09-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

Ok I need help if anyone can help. As I said yesterday I have started working again. Lil James is watched by Jodee White and she charges me $30 a day. My problem is that I'm only making $7/hour and working 4-5 hours a day which means after taxes being taken out of my check I can't afford Jodee. If I can't afford Jodee then I don't have any money for gas, phone bill, or insurance. Please, please pray.

2007-09-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

I stayed home from work today because lil James was not feeling well due to his shots yesterday. I don't understand my workplace. They hire like 5 new servers a week, but never hire any to go people. I started work last Thursday morning. The one thing I realized that I didn't miss was the drama. I have to send my baby back to daycare tomorrow :(.

2007-09-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

Time for another update on my life. I'm single as of last Wednesday. Everything seemed so fine and perfect and next thing I know he's ending it. Now the fun stuff starts. Child support, visitations and crap like that. I find that he seems to be a different person since Wednesday. He's more snappy and acts like this is a battle between the two of us. I fear that we will fight the rest of our lives or not really talk at all. I want so badly to remain close (nonromantically) for our son. Please pray that everything works out for the best.

2007-08-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

James is a month old today! I can't believe it. Time flew by. It seems like just yesterday I was giving birth and realizing that my life was totally different. It makes me treasure my time with him even more, knowing that within the blink of an eye he will be grown and gone. 8 more months and I will be getting married. It drives me crazy loving him so much and not getting to spend more time with him. OOhh.......I can't wait till I get to decorate our apartment!! It's going to be so weird going back to work. I'll be serving when I go back. August 16th is when J will be 6 weeks old, but James doesn't want me to go back to work till September 1st. I'll probably wait till then, but I haven't decided quite yet. August 17th is James' birthday and guess what we're doing....skydiving!!! He also wants to go canoeing or to Kings' Island (whichever works out) on the 16th.

2007-07-22T17:08:00.000-07:00

Beautiful days pass by as James Daniel grows and gets older. He is 17 days old today. I don't want him to grow up :(. I'm planning my wedding. James and I are so excited. I wish the wedding could happen tomorrow. Why April? Well the weather for one (Febuary and March can be nasty weather), and because James will have some benifits and vacation time by then. Isn't God amazing! Ahh.....crying baby to take care of!

2007-03-06T06:54:00.000-08:00

As a pregnant woman the emotions begin to flair. Everything seems so out of proportion that it's driving me insane. I officially lost it last night at work and had an emotional breakdown! I hate crying in front of certain people, but last night I bawled in front of everyone. lol. Funny to think about. I cried all night long, crying myself to sleep. As I said...silly emotions. Sometimes I wish (as I'm sure every woman does) that I could spend the last few months of my pregnancy someplace exotic with not a care in the world. So what is the latest news.... Well James and I have been talking and he announced to me that he knows when and how and where he's going to propose to me! Throughout our talks he has told me that he wants us to be married by the time lil James turns 1. Did I tell you that already? I can't remember. But we were talking about money and our financial situations and he said that he would like to use the money from next years tax check for our wedding. So who knows. We could be talking anywhere between March and July. Married at the age of 19. That scares me more than I would like to tell. But I love him. How do I know? You just know. As long as God is the foundation of our lives we'll be alright.

2007-02-27T20:18:00.000-08:00

God sends us the answer to our prayers. sometimes it takes longer than we like but.........that's life. James has obtained a factory job over in New Castle. He starts work on Tuesday and has another factory that wants to interview him. He plans on working both jobs until I have the baby and then staying at one job so he can see his son everyday. Everything is good between the two of us. We only see each other once a week if even that. Busy schedules!! It seems that no matter how much time and space is between us our hearts seem to grow more and more for each other. soo I'm tired and can't think very well right now..............until I can think....TTFN.

2007-02-20T18:06:00.000-08:00

So today was a regular day besides the fact that I had an ultrasound done!!!! They wanted to see how far along I am (17.5 weeks), and I found out what I'm having!!!!

I'M HAVING A BOY!!!

I'm so excited. I can't stop smiling! Neither can James. He was screaming and grabbing people, telling everyone our good news. The ultrasound was the coolest thing, except having to drink 32 oz. of water and holding it for 2 hours!!! (I cheated and went to the bathroom, but then chugged 40 more oz. of water). So yes, that was the terrible part. But I got to see every feature of my baby....the brain, spine, ribs, fingers, arms, kidneys, heart (that was so cool), all facial features, legs, feet, and manhood. I got to see the blood flowing through the umbilical cords. Everything looked really perfect the nurse told us. I got to see everything! Mom even taped it! James Daniel Roberts Jr. will be his full name. James' father has nothing but granddaughters so I know lil James will be spoiled rotten! It was so cute watching him kick and wiggle and toss and bounce around. Tears still come to my eyes as I think about how God creates such miracles. He was so so so beautiful. It's amazing.

P.S. Don't say anything to my father b/c he said that he wants to be surprised about what I'm having. I'm not sure how long the surprise will last b/c of all the baby stuff I'll be getting. But maybe he'll be able to be surprised on delivery day. I hope so. So please please please keep it a secret!!!!

2007-02-19T19:11:00.000-08:00

Actions speak louder than words.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Tonight was my Valentines Day night. It wasn't at all romantic (though it didn't bother me at all). I cooked a meal for James (which took FOREVER, but came out really good) and he loved it. We haven't seen each other for about 2 weeks and from the moment I walked through the door he was like a puppy dog, having a horrible case of separation anxiety. He kissed me, hugged me, wrapped his arms around me, and talked to my protruding stomach. Not one word did he have to say for me to understand. In fact words might have ruined it.

Pray tonight. God is so powerful that the absence of him is so much stronger than the absence of anything on earth. Seek him and he will find you. What do you do when the situation seems so greatly grave? Pray. He will hear you when nobody else can.

My own heart leaps for joy at the thought of giving my child to God and raising him/her to know him.

2007-02-17T19:30:00.000-08:00

As humans we go through life teaching each other how to become better people, but there are always those who we wish to call out to but can't or don't. It is so funny, inside of my mind I am already planning how I want my child to turn out. Do this, don’t do that. And the funniest thing is that a year or two ago I had to be cool and fit in with everyone, now it seems to be my child's turn. I know now that there is beauty in the uniqueness of oneself. It just makes me laugh to know I'm going to go through this all over again with him/her! Anyway about teaching others...or lack there of. Four teenagers dined today in the great O'Charleys restaurant. When they decided to leave I witnessed them throw a very small tip on the table, make a comment about it and walk out laughing. My blood boiled! I almost grabbed the money and said "I think you need it more than he does". But instead I told them to have a great day as they poured a handful of dinner mints all the way out the door. This situation left me thanking God for giving me parents that taught me what it means to be decent and kind to others.

Most craved food for the last 4.5 months: Chicken!
Worst sounding food for the last 4.5 months: Fast Food (eww)
Funniest part of last 4.5 months: Gaining weight and not feeling bad about it!

Live on and Live up.

2007-02-02T20:55:00.000-08:00

Another typical Friday night for me. Work, home, food, and sleep (sometime tonight). It's so weird to not be driving. I don't like it at all. I miss my car :( . 4 weeks and 2 days till I can find out what I'm having! What sounds incredibly amazing right now? Mmm I know, A CRUISE. fat chance I know, but that's what makes my dreams so good. So you ask me what my future plans are looking like and I offer my response. I believe I might cut hair, maybe take some massaging classes, and basically just get some money under my belt and get ready for college. God is blessing me and I'm ever so grateful. XXX's and OOO's.
Esther, Fester, Chester.......however I should sign off tonight!

2007-01-31T18:31:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how much we take life as it's given to us day by day. I don't really think that much about it, but today I did. I was in a wreck/crash today. I didn't hit anyone! But my heater decided not to work after my car ran for 20 minutes so I scraped the windshield and went to school. I was fine until I tried to turn on the school road. The sun hit my windshield which was a little more foggy then I would have liked it and I couldn't see anything. Then it all hit me all at once. First the stop sign flashed before my eyes and disappeared, then came the fence post. The impact, then the jerking forward of my body as my chin ran straight into the steering wheel. My thoughts and prayers were for my unborn baby. Funny how God changes your heart when he gives you the gift of a life. But yeah basically I couldn't see and I misjudged a turn obviously thinking my car looked better in front of a fence post then on the road. I went to the ER after school and was reassured with the sound of my baby's heart beating. Anyway.....nothing serious, just some bruising and pain to look forward to. Now time for pictures!!!!! Of my trip to the Children's Mueseum about a week ago.

2007-01-22T19:27:00.000-08:00

Friday was my first OB/GYN appointment or I guess my first doctors visit overall. She said I was a little further than I thought. Today makes 14 weeks! The coolest thing in the world (so far) was hearing the heartbeat of my baby. It was so fast! It made me so happy that I started to laugh and couldn't stop so I only heard the beating for a few seconds. Life is amazing. He told me he wants us to definitly be married by the first birthday of our baby. That's so incredibly scary to think about. 1 yr. and 6months I could be a married woman. I hope God works this out for the best between the two of us. Hugs and kisses to everyone! Amy Reason I saw you get your hair cut today! I dn't know if you reconized me or not but I was the one with dye all over my head sitting right beside you. Cute, sexy haircut by the way. I loved it. I go and get bloodwork done thursday! until later
mmmmmmmmmmmmmbbbbbbbbaaaaa

2007-01-11T18:09:00.000-08:00

11 weeks! that's how far along I am. It's so hard to believe. Things are going fine and I go to see a doctor for the first time next friday the 19th. Things are going really well for James and I. We are both seeking God together and when we're apart. But I do have a prayer request. James decided to stop smoking as a New Year resolution. He began to lessen his amount of nicotine as the New Year approached. Basically he was going from a pack and a half a day to not smoking at all. I knew it would be hard for him, but with God's help he could do it. And so far so good. He was smoking half a cigarette a day and sometimes none at all. I knew it was really hard for him, but he was doing it. One night he almost didn't make it. He was in his car, it was started and ready to go, all he had to do was drive. He sat there for 10 minutes and finally ran back inside. He grabbed his bible and began to read. He ended up not smoking that night. Well I was over tonight and he had a empty pack sitting there and another one open. It killed me. He was doing so good. I saw him smoke at least 4, maybe even 5 during the 5 hours I was over there. Please pray. God can do anything and I believe he will. Did I tell you! No morning sickness with this baby at all! James is going to become a truck driver. He starts class Monday and all the training will last a year. It'll be hard. But it won't kill us! I love you all, thanx for all the comments! Until later...............Esther
O we picked out names! Boy= James Daniel (generational family name, and I like it).
Girl= Faith Marie

2006-12-07T18:59:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in some time (8 more days and it'll be a month!). Life has been drastic and surprising lately. It can all be said in two words, but its changing my life. I'm pregnant. yes me, Esther Slaughter.

Prayer is what I ask for. I pray and beg God for a perfectly good pregnancy, and a very healthy child.

Why is it so hard for me to tell you this?

2006-11-13T20:13:00.000-08:00

I must write for my mind is going crazy. I was thinking tonight about something. Imagine that! I was thinking... why do we dread, even fear our own fears? Do you fear the fact that you fear something? For instance: when a child is afraid of the dark do they fear being afraid? Do we fear that our fears will take over and possibly control us? Is that child afraid that he/she will fear -be scared of- the darkness of one room for the rest of life? I often think about fears and why...why are they present in life? Do they help or harm? Is there a bigger reason then we know for being afraid of all the little things in life? Elaborate fear with me. One thing I'm not very fond of is spiders. But it amazes me. I love observing and watching how the creatures work and survive and I wonder what it is that I fear when I look upon a spider. I don't like the idea of a spider crawling all over me, jumping on me and whatever else it is that spiders do. Yet I am perfectly fine when a spider crawls across my leg when I'm sitting outside. Another thing...I'm not afraid of tarantulas at all, expect that if I make one mad they could bite me and cause my death -that's all. Nothing to big right? - Lol. But back to my talk of fears. Why do I have this fear? Or should I say discomfort for I feel that it makes me uncomfortable, but doesn't give me or cause a runaway, panic, screaming fear. Why as humans do we fear? Is fear a factor of our mind or is it caused by physical happenings? Fears help and harm us. Where would we be in life without fear? Total ciaos! Because of fear we set guidelines for ourselves. We obey the laws of life -yes because we are suppose to- but don't you also find yourself doing certain things because you fear what will happen if you don't?

O it amazes me how my brain works!! It amazes me how every brain is so complicated with amazingly beautiful thoughts. Each brain is different, yet together we make a world that we can all live in. You know what would be the coolest thing in the world to do? Take a group of people, a large group of people and test and scan their brains. First I would locate a group of friends and scan their brains and see if all the results are relatively the same or if all of them are different, explaining why they balance so well. Then I would test a married couple -both long term and newlyweds- and see the comparison between their brains and how they matched up. Then depending on all of those tests I would take the rest of my large group of people and -keeping in mind that they are all strangers and have never met or seen each other before- I would put certain people together in an environment with certain brain patterns and see if they interact. Do they meet? Do they become friends? How fast is the process? Is there a perfect combination of brain patterns that always go together with one another or are the patterns of interacting brains constantly changing just like everything around us?

Until later....

2006-11-12T14:04:00.000-08:00

Just got home from work! I only worked this weekend (which is a mixed blessing). When do I ever turn down hours? Ha, yeah that's right!!! This weekend was amazing. Worked all night friday, 8.5-9 hours on Saturday and this morning. I even got to buss tables!!! Happy moments going on in my head. Well I thought I would say hi before I go pass out in a beautiful realm of sleep. I love you all! until later.....

2006-11-09T17:38:00.000-08:00

Our choir concert was tonight! It went well. Very short, which was nice. Mom’s birthday was today. #47! She is so amazing. The rock in my life, besides God. Surely the world would be a horrible place without mothers. I find myself longing, wanting, and dying to be closer to God. To feel the undying love that he surrounds all of us with. Life is not about people and objects, although the world would be different without everything that surrounds us. We speak wisdom to one another, for the differences make us wiser in the eyes of those who listen. I thought tonight about my future -which is nothing new-. After the concert was through and done an older lady with an incredibly sweet spirit and an intelligent soul approached me, grabbing me by the arm and asking "you really enjoy singing don't you?" I smiled and replied with all honesty "yes, I love to sing." "I could tell. I would love to hear you sing by yourself someday." My heart was touched as I watched her walk away. She didn't know me, but she could see my passion. I have been getting better and better as I play the guitar in my free time. My voice longs to sing the melodies within my mind. God has given me a gift and someday I hope you hear it.

So many thoughts lately. My mind feels as though it could burst if I don't write them all down. What would a book be if it contained all the thoughts of ones brain?

Thoughts of Africa and other countries in the world filled my mind today. My plans are to finish my schooling and eventually become a surgeon possibly a neurosurgeon -for the brain amazes me beyond belief-. I would love to stay in the United States working with the best technology and making a satisfactory life for myself. But would I be satisfied? My patients would be grateful for the work that I do, but my mind goes to those less fortunate than I. Let me live among the less fortunate. Their pain, suffering, and gratefulness to have each day of life is so raw and real. The money is nothing. God is everything. He has spoken the prophecy that I will preach someday. I know not whether I will become a preacher, but in some form or another I will share the glory of God. Draw me closer to you for I am so far away. Be the decision maker of my life. It is not the fear of hell that draws me to God, but something much deeper. A passion, a longing.

I must go for the songs are beginning to play in my head and I must write them down. Hopefully I can find the strumming of the guitar that goes along with the song in my head. Another song!!!

Until later....

2006-11-08T14:20:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how fast life goes by us. I feel like I just got done talking about James and now we aren't even together! We talked last night and just decided to end it. Surprisingly I'm very totally ok with it. I'm happy and content. It must have been God's will. You know what... a relationship is something to learn from, for both people. Ha something funny from today...when my friend asked me how everything was going in my relationship I told them that it wasn't. They asked what happened and I simply said that we decided to end it. They then asked the universal question of who ended it, him or me. I laughed inside as I thought about the little tiny things in life that don't really matter. Why do people ask questions like that? Do they automatically see the "dumper" as a bad person and have more compassion for the "dumpee". It amazes me how our brains work. Little tiny details in life that we all find so important. Well I thought I would give you a little bit of an update in my life. until later.....
Isn't God amazing!!!

2006-11-04T15:07:00.000-08:00

Did I tell you about my baby. aka my man. His name is James and I completely adore him. He works at Montana Mikes, terribly yummy, very nice, has almost everything in common w/ me....well maybe not! lol now that I think about it. We both like our food (about) the same way. We both like the same kinds of food. He loves to cook, he can sew (don't tell anybody!). He's extremely supportive, very hard worker and guess what, GUESS WHAT!!!! quote on quote "God is the rock in my life". HE LOVES GOD!!! and follows him. He goes to Wilkinson Church of Christ. what can I say...altogether good package in one. He is also very close to his dad and talks to him every other day if not everyday. I get to meet his parents Tuesday!!! AHH! definitely freaking out about that. in a good way. I could probably talk all day about him! wanna know a secret. rhetorical question cause I'm going to tell you whether you want to hear it or not! I'm scared to death. scared to get close to him. scared of being hurt. scared of someone who actually might want to be with me for a long period of time. (he's already talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas with me and throwing me a huge graduation party). scared because I'm so happy with him. but everyday that goes by I become less and less afraid, letting him into my life and getting to know everything and I do mean everything about him. surely this can't be a man who will knock down some of the walls that I have built in my life. I don't want to let my walls down. They are my safety. I don't want to be happy. It's happened so many times before....happy (very happy) with someone and the next day they dump me or break my heart. It seems that I have gotten use to it. but with him its seems different. for the first time I don't have to give myself excuses for something that I find wrong. With him I'm not telling myself "this is all I deserve". He's going to start coming to church with me! and I will be going to his church with him. let me ask you something. Have you ever had a man/woman (depending on who reads this) who wants to do nothing but stare at you for hours doing nothing else but looking into your eyes? James does this to me. I tell him he's melting me and he says "melt because I'm never going to get tired of just looking at you". When we look at each other nothing has to be said, no kiss has to be made. Our eyes talk to one another. ok ok I'm shutting up!!!!! except to say that we don't love each other. not yet. I won't say it and he won't either. we both know that love is a terribly terribly serious thing. Those three words are overused. and I will wait a thousand years if that's what it takes till I say I love you to any man. until later..........

2006-10-31T15:14:00.000-08:00

2006-10-31T15:02:00.000-08:00

Hey! So two days ago I was heartbroken and ...... woo woo woo! Life is bright and beautiful. Just like it should be. I BELONG TO THE BELIEVERS! let's rock, roll, and see how it goes. No more Ms. Nice.......this chick means business! lol this is just random thoughts in my head. It probably makes no sense at all, but that's what makes it beautiful. It doesn't have to make sense!
love you all!!!!

2006-10-30T19:56:00.000-08:00

I Got A Few Pics To Upload! WOO!!

2006-10-30T19:22:00.000-08:00

Another day of life! Now that's something to praise God about. Tomorrow is Halloween, a holiday I've never celebrated before. I don't regret it either. I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. My family, friends, surroundings, beliefs, decisions. Pretty much everything. It's weird to think that I'm 18 years old. An ADULT!!! I know...no big deal. But it's just made me think that not long from now I will be out in the world, by myself. I'll be making my own choices and life decisions. No longer will my parents be there to tell me yes or no on everything. They are my rock, my foundation of my entire life. They are the ones who pick me up when I fall. The important thing is that I know who I am. Hi, I'm Esther Slaughter.....I am entering the world of adults. Let the battle begin. May the ocean roar, the mountains move, and stars dance, and the demons collide for surely as my name is Esther I will move upon this world. I have run from God for so long. Not necessarily run from him, but definitely not fully run to him. I have been happy making my own decisions and way of life. Lessons I have learned, pain I have felt. I long for him, for only he makes me whole.

2006-10-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

It would be a lie to say that everything is good and dandy. Details I will not share at this time, except to say that my heart is hurting. My soul feels broken over something that I do not understand. It seems as though this month was a hard month. Was it my fault? I don't think it was. The situation that I find myself in (right now) is so deep that I wonder if I will trully ever recover. I know that I will. The amazing thing is that I would let this situation repeat itself 99 more times if I knew that on the 99th time things would turn out differently. Call me a fool, but I still see hope in this situation. Please pray for me. If only God would heal my heart and blind my eyes.

2006-10-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

So today was suppose to be senior pic day but silly rain! instead I spent my morning sleeping in (WOO!) and relaxing and getting ready for work. I have to be at work at 4:30. I hope I close tonight. I cut sis's hair today. cut 10" off and it came out really short but I really like it and I think that she does to. lol she was going around the house screaming (in a good way (we can only hope)) about how short it turned out. Well I have so much on my mind it's going crazy. I trully love it when that happens. But I must go clean, wash work clothing, get ready for work and if I have enough time start my math homework. ...................................................

2006-10-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

HI! HI! HI! long time no talk or write. I think about posting almost every day I just don't. I find myself having little time or just not using my time to post! but I miss it, so here I am! Well whats been going on in my life lately you ask. Still working at Ocharlies, though I'm not sure if I'm a busser or hostess. I think I'm both. They told me I could start bussing and that I do a really good job at it (that's because I love it!) but they just hired two new bussers (probably just because people think its weird to see a girl bussing). That's what makes me awesome! Ashley has started taking my senior photos. JUMP JUMP JUMP for joy! (currently picturing a little man jumping around in my head). I had starbucks tonight! first time in a while (I think). Grande white mocha! yummy! O look there goes my cat walking across the house. So today and tomorrow we get out of school at 11:15. Thursday and Friday NO SCHOOL! Fall Break. I went to Montana Mikes today for a first time. It was my best friend, her man (yes he has a name!) and me. The service was great, the food great and ya it was satisfying. I spent the rest of my evening making a movie for my AP English class. It was soo cold. BURR. It makes you wonder how people work outside during this time of the year. This is the time of the year to get fat!! little excited about that. so do I have a man in my life? wouldn't you like to know! Amy Reason I miss you :( . I miss everyone who reads my writings. Murm :( . k now I'm going to show you pics of my babies. love you all. PASS THE WORD THAT ESTHER BLOGGED!!! LITERALLY, TELL EVERYONE! now it's time for pictures....

well I can't get my pictures to load all the way so maybe some random time later...woohoo!

2006-06-05T18:20:00.000-07:00

Yep just another day. If I could duplicate people around me I would choose my mom (and probably nobody else). Josh is getting married! Jen to!

2006-06-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

Did u hear!?! My boss talked to me and told me that she would give me a dollar raise!!! ("I'll tell the big man (area director) that your work is equivalent to three hostesses"). And she asked me to fill out an application to become the hostess trainer. So whenever we get a new hotess I will be the one training them. They love me!! Look at the time 11:52 and I'm not even tired. But I'm gonna go and wash some clothes, get a bath and who knows what else. Maybe I'll be tired by then. ~E~
Maybe I'll work out to!!! mmmmmm....I don't know about that.
Talking to myself outloud!!!

2006-05-31T09:23:00.000-07:00

well I didn't get home till 11:30 last night. It's hard to believe. I started the bathrooms (scubbing the toilets) at 9 and got done 45 min. later. Then I swept all the tile which took a while, then waited (somewhat) patiently to start mopping the floors because all customers have to be out of the restaurant before this process begins. anyway the time just flew right out the window. tomorrow I plan to hang out with friends and just have a full day of fun. It's my only day off and I plan to just blow it. I might even do some shopping on my own. But Na has her driving test @ 3. woo-hoo. My lil sis is gonna b drivin! how weird is that. I still have to get a car!!!! My boss told me she wishes she could clone me and never have to heir anybody new. Q is: could you handle more than one Esther!!! 108 days left! ~E~

2006-05-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

Got a lil time before I go to work, and I thought I could say hi. so....HI!! I'm in a really good mood today. woo-hoo!! lol. Double shift day today. went in at 11-1 and going back at 4 till closing. Thinking about getting another job and working two jobs this summer. I need a new car and I need to start saving for college before that gets here. That way if I hardly work during the school year next year I'll have some money saved up. But where should I work? Have any ideas? I need a job that pays well. At least $6 or $7/ hour. I really don't know where to start looking. More fast food or store work? I still have to ask mommy!! 109 days till I turn 18! I'm just a lil excited. Don't freak on me guys if I go all out. Summer is here!! AHH look I only have 30 min. to get ready for work. late(r) ~E~

2006-05-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

I have meant to write for some time now. Just haven't gotten around to doing it. Finished school! I still can't believe next year is my last year. Duh I'm excited. Now that it's summer I'm working all kinds of crazy hours. Double shifts and single shifts all over the place! I don't mind. My cousins are up from Kentucky. I love them so much. I feel like I've got a thousand things to say but I just don't know where to start. You know what...life amazes me. One of the reasons I love my job is because of the people. I love all the different types of personalities. They trully are all unique. Our regulares come in everday with a smile on their face and other people you know that you'll meet once, have a chance to make some type of impact on them, and never see them again. You wonder where they've been and where they are headed. Isn't it weird how our bodies function. The other day I was thinking about how much of an impact our parents have on us from the moment we are born. Every little kid knows what candy is and how good it tastes. But what if you never fed your kid any candy until they were (let's say) 5 years old. That's unheard of nowadays. Probably even to amish people to. I kinda want to try it when I have kids. How weird would it be to totally ignore the rules of society....they can't do this, they can't do that. Yes they can, teach them how. Let them learn. Why do people say "NO". Because that's the way things work? What if everything good in your life was bad, and everything bad was good. Reverse the thinking of a generation. How different would our society be. Change is good!! lol. Very randomly ranting right now. You got a peak into the wonders of my mind. So much more to say but no time. Maybe later. ~E~

2006-05-29T17:21:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pics...after I get more loaded I'll put them on

2006-05-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

wow major spasms of life going on here. lets see I've looked everywhere I can think to look for a check I lost (about a month ago), I had the grill fly off the front of my car to go to who knows where and I just don't seem to have time to go look for it, I dropped my cell phone tonight (not the first time) but it still worked and the front of the phone had the time and information on it but the screen (inside the phone) was dead as a doornob. I found that if you tilt it just the right way in the perfect amount of light you can see whats going on. So I did that and got all needed information (phone #'s) and decided to take the phone apart. It looked fine and still turns on but nope....nothing is better. I'll probably just get a new phone cause I got my phone #'s and I don't really want to pay 70 bucks just to have my phone worked on. I looked for one tonight but didn't see the one that I wanted. o well everything will work out!!! today was seniors last day. how sad. I will miss so many of them. But I'll be a senior next year!!!! Can't wait. 2 more days of school and 3 finals to go. gotta go! I love you Amy Reason!

2006-05-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

5 more days of school left. Can you believe it? It really flew by. Today was pretty much a good day. School, home, Greenfield, home, chores, cleaning the room. Just doing totally random stuff like that all night. While sis and I were in town today I decided to stop by work and grab my check. I was in dout that I would cash it tomorrow night just because I'll be tired from work and wanting to be home. Anyway, while I was there (at Bob's) my boss said that we need to figure out a way to get my points down because she wants to give me a raise!! I'm excited. I do have to admit that I was thoroughly surprised that my points were up that high. I didn't think I had that many. I have 4 points and at 6 points they fire you. She said we'll talk about it later, like within the next few days. lol hopefully Sean and Bob didn't keep bothering her about it. They are a couple of the regulars that like to inform others of my need for a raise. I never put them up to it! I love working and hope that I always will. Well tomorrow is back to the finals so laters.....

2006-05-17T07:55:00.000-07:00

Dad and I got in another fight again last night. Tempers flared and things were said, but it was soon over. I hate fighting with my family. Tell me there's a really cool reason for me being so different then the other 4 people I now live with. I don't mind being different. I like being unique. I have dreams and wants that are beyond them. Ha I bet none of this makes since at all but that's ok. I'm going day by day. Situation by situation. It's all good! Have you ever judged somebody because of how they dress or where they live or what kind of stuff they are into. I'll openly admit that I have, but I try not to. People should really get to know others before they judge them. How do you know exactly what is going on? And who judges people by where they live? I can name someone! Wow I sound really bitter. I don't believe that bitter is the right word. Probably more confused then bitter. I want to get away. By myself. Not for a long time or anything like that, but ya....ever felt like you're suffocating? Do you know who I am? I mean really really know who I am. Or do you see what I'm showing you? Do you judge and hate? Do I know who I am? So much to say but ya..........WOOHOO!!!

2006-05-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

Yes i went to prom. It was fun. I took a guy by the name of Chris Schutts and really enjoyed myself. but i have far more serious things to talk about then prom. my best friend got hit again last night. I don't get to hear about it everytime it happens, but last night i did. She called me because her boyfriend was sleeping and she didn't want to wake him. How sweet is that! Sad thing is......the hitting is getting worse. It use to be just her getting hit, but now it is both her sisters and her. Last night it was because she forgot to make macaroni. After it was over her step-dad looked at her and her sisters and said "well at least she didn't hit me". Do something about it!! I want to help so badly. Her heart is hurting. I will do the only thing i know to do. Pray and be there for her. She doesn't blame herself (or so she says) which is a good thing. Isn't it crazy how when you're not living right, bad things begin to happen all around you. Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming myself for what is going on. Just an observation. 7 days of school left! How exciting. So the church is going to the movies on friday then on to Starbucks. I want to go! But i must work. I love coffee, ecspecially Starbucks!! The songs that I write are coming more and more frequently. Within the past week I've written 2 or 3 songs. The sad part is...I write the music but don't make the instrumental part. It would be so cool for me to write the songs in my head and have someone else play the music that I want to hear. I love guitar but i just never seem to have time to sit down, relax and play. until later. love you all. and thanx for all comments.

2006-05-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

so whats the latest buzz you ask, well here goes says I. dont know if im going to prom because of conflictions. which of right now i choose not to go into detail about. majorly like woo right now. o well. i hate how things are all so crazy right now. only 13 days till school is out. which means only 9 days of school left. i cant wait. show choir night is tonight and im excited. im not a solo or anything like that (my duet with sis isnt gonna happen) just 4 or 5 group songs. till later..

2006-05-02T19:37:00.000-07:00

hi! it's been a while. (understatement). seems as though so much has happened since the last time that i wrote but i dont remember all of it, so moving on to the present tense......work at bob's is going good, grades are starting to improve (ya its only the end of the year!), and im starting to really think about my future. hopefully this summer i can balance a job, retake the classes that need improvement (online courses) and maybe take some extra courses so i can graduate early. no time for a boyfriend which is fine w/ me b/c really im not interested. very recently two guys have proclaimed that they are practically in love with me. please its highschool! honestly im tired of dating. i need a break. i want friends, not attachements. someone i can open up to and share everything with. plus there are far more important things at the age of 17 then guys. let me get the puzzle pieces of my life together and find the firm footprints of my path as i go day by day. who cares if it takes years. honestly! i know someone is out there, someone incredible. but its my teenage years. PARTY!! ha being totally random right now. i use to have the mindset that everything had to go a certain way, but no, the curveballs of life are needed. NEW TOPIC: im going to prom. (something far too overated) and im going to have a blast. going with friends and basically just hanging out the whole night. yah!! im excited. 17 days of school left! well its back to my schoolwork. ill try to write frequently. i just hardly ever get on the computer unless its to listen to the Media Player. i love music!

2006-03-10T11:03:00.000-08:00

Havent really gotten to blog much at all lately so i tought id say hi. im in a good mood today...its friday! we have 49 days of school left. so exciting. my life has been interesting lately. my horrible grades caused my father much anger and he called and cut my hours at work from 5 days a week to only 3 and got me really wierd hours. such as sunday not working until after church. lol funny thing is that they really dont even need a hostess around 1:00 and i would only get to work for 3 hours b/c they will let me go when the other girl gets there at 4. o well, ill just wait and see how that goes. i know my dad loves me and only wants the best for me. i cannot (well choose not to) express how i feel about anything right now. maybe later. i must go. TTFN

2006-03-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

i hate it so much. why do i miss him? i just really hate the fact that i cant talk to him anymore or really even look at him. when dating we use to have great conversations but now its just "hey", "hey" and its over. o well, no telling what the future will bring. today was a very stressful day. getting to school on time seemed impossible. getting prepared for all my classes and all that fun stuff was AHH. feeling dead and tired the whole day. trying to just stay awake. almost fell asleep on the way to work tonight which scares me b/c its not fun to space out while driving and wounder if you're going to crash. coffee and sleep! i helped chris close tonight b/c i forgot to tell him i had curfew till 15 min. before i was suppose to leave. he freaked out b/c he had to close kp so i told him to call dad and ask him if i could stay. dad said yes and i didnt get home till 9:45. now i just wish that i could fit hw, guitar, workout and sleep all in tonight but i know thats not gonna happen. so should i still get an apartment w/in the next year. ill be 18 in 6 months. part of me wants to get out there and say bring it on. the other part of me knows im safe w/ my family and that they love me. who knows what'll happen. first i have to get a car then a laptop then start saving for college or whatever comes after highschool then maybe i can think about an apartment. where does all the money go? i cant figure it out. well i must go start my hw. TTFN.

2006-03-01T20:29:00.000-08:00

i havent posted for a while and everytime i start to i get halfway done and never post, so im posting now! it seems a lot has happened. Thomas broke up w/ me and ya i still miss him but im ok w/ the whole thing. i hated the drama that was involved though. like how my friends were telling me that he was going around telling other people that we never dated and that hurt cause that's just not like him. but i talked to him and cleared it up finding out that none of what was being said was actually true. stupid highschool drama, gossip and lies. now i dont want a guy in my life. i know ive said that many times but honestly i wouldnt have dated thomas if he wasnt so different (in a good way). but i can wait on someone now. (tired of the heartbreak). my job has been ok. they love working me to death. they love me!! worked morning and night shift on sat. and sun. and worked mon. night. then i get to go back tomorrow. woo-hoo! i really dont mind. its good money that i can use (who cant use money). the only thing i really miss is playing the guitar and sleeping. but i better get use to it. found out that i am sara's role model! that was exciting. so thomas and i were talking about how i have all these unfinished songs that ive written in my past and how i love to write music when the mood hits me. he got excited over it and is going to hook me up w/ some software for the computer that will record my music. that way i can make an album and get it out there. i wounder if he has an album? ill have to ask. o my grades are awful and im so unprepared for anything anymore. its literately like my time just flies out the window. how sad is that. well it is late so TTFN.

2006-02-27T11:48:00.000-08:00

its funny, the song falling or fallen by Staind (whatever it is) has been stuck in my head since it happened. since he broke up w/ me. he had good reasoning. he doesnt want us to get close for the 4 or5 months that we have before he goes to college and then have to break up w/ me. its for the better (i keep telling myself). i mean the long distant prolly wouldnt work out b/c the tension of very seeing each other and missing each other and all that kind of stuff. but it still hurts, badly. 1st really good guy that i dated and he's gone just like that. at least we are still talking and are friends but ill miss him. i hope we can be good friends during college. like close enough to where we can tell each other everything. ha me and my dreams.

2006-02-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

i hate it. so much. i know the moment i get attached to him, the point where i know itll hurt if he leaves me is when itll happen. in a way im so prepared. im not getting to close. not opening up that door all the way. im tired of being hurt. i hate fearing that someday he will find something he absolutely hates about me and just like that he'll be gone. he's so different and special that i dont want it to happen. but this fear, this constant fear is killing me, killing the relationship. i need to relaxe and enjoy. yes he will be gone to college all too soon. but when i think about that i think about how we wont even be together that long. its the devil attacking me, telling me im not good enough. to just give up. i want to be w/ him for he is trully different from all the rest. naomi approves of him and G approves of him which both of them approving is a big deal. that means esther made a right choice somewhere. i want to be w/ him. he makes me happy. but it all just seems too good. like i know itll go bad so i dont even want to put the effort into it. pray for me b/c i really need it. thomas is very special and i plan on being w/ him for as long as i can. mmm he makes me melt! lol. i just have to let go, trust god, hope for the best and have fun w/ life. no worries. just wing it. "life is just trials and errors". very very true. i have to take chances. and im willing to do that. TTFN

2006-02-22T18:36:00.000-08:00

today was an overall good day. started off w/ coffee! which always makes it good. but got my grades and wow that was bad. ive never done so bad in my life. like didnt even do this bad in middle school or elementary. why does it seem like the more help i get from people and teachers, the worse i do. i hate that. it can only go uphill from here! the rest of the day went pretty well. thomas is adorable! we walked around the school tonight (holding hands and being inseperable) before he had academic team practice. he kissed me! aww. it surprised me very much and i so melted. lol pathetic i know. he has a walk w/ god!!!! omg. im so happy! and a great relationship w/ his parents (he tells them everything) and his 21 year old sister. woo-hoo. anyway i got home tonight and was really struggling w/ talking to my dad. last night he mad a comment about not liking thomas b/c the whole tutor thing and another guy in my life and ya-da-da. you get the point. i was really upset over it b/c he hasnt even met thomas let alone given him a chance so it hurt me. so after calling christine and talking to her and reviewing my speech to her, i went to go talk to my dad. well we got into the conversation and i told him how i really felt and opened up to him which is a big deal for me since im really not all that close to him. i told him how i was scared to mention thomas around him for fear of his rejection. i told him id be surprised if he ever supported anything i do. just a lot of things came out that have been there for a lil while. i cried as i opened up to him. but i think he understands and i hope something good comes out of this. church was good tonight. i love my church. i love the people there. i miss them so very much. i never get to see beautiful ashley anymore. can u believe the olympics are still going on. i didnt know that they lasted that long. pray for sara. she needs it. time to bounce.....TTFN

2006-02-19T18:22:00.000-08:00

im aww so happy right now. saturday night was the sweethearts dance and thomas mair was my date. i went to bob evans before the dance and ate a lil, then on to the dance. he paid for my ticket!!! how cute is that. he was so awesome. i thought it was going to be aqward and what not but turns out that he likes me and we had a good time just trying to dance the whole time. he kept saying how much of a white boy he was and how much he couldnt dance. whatever, like i care. like he has to leave and go to purdue next year. o well. we've been talking a lot lately. its weird, within one week we've started talking more and more and who knows what'll happen out of that. he makes me melt. well im working a double shift today. worked this morning and im working tonight. fun. i dont mind. i love getting more hours. how weird am i. probably the only teenager out there who doesnt mind going to work...who actually prefers going to work. its presidents day! wounder how bush is celebrating. or if he even is. thomas is a guitar player!! i tried to have him over the other night b/c mom said no to us going out on a date. but dad said no so that didnt happen. o well. i did my first sudoku puzzles last night and it only took me 45 min to do. lol. it was even set on easy. ugh school tomorrow. but we only have 63 days of school left. woo-hoo. then ill be a senior and be counting my 180 days down all year. time to bounce. TTFN

2006-02-16T19:47:00.000-08:00

i had a really really good blog going and i was so close to being done and posting it but no thats just exactly what the computer didnt want so boom i lost it all. it talked about "him" and how crazy im going and how crazy im driving him. talked about church last night and how powerful and wonderful it was. i love sara to death! it spoke of the upcoming dance on sat. and how stressful of a day that's going to be. it spoke of so much stuff that i cant even remember it all but thats ok. o i think im doing better in school b/c im understanding it so much better now. and i didnt have to ask thomas for help today! but i have to bounce b/c i cant think of everything that was in my "almost blog" and i dont feel like thinking about it. i have spanish hw to do. TTFN.

2006-02-14T22:12:00.000-08:00

Happy valentines day! well it was about an hour and a half ago. i got a flower & a card from sara and a card from thomas (my new tutor). yes i have a tutor now. just happened today. i decided it was time to get one since im failing my classes magerly and failed the last few tests ive taken. i got a 56 on a math test and 22 on a chem. test. this is bad! and unhead of, ecspecially the math test. so im getting help. im not looking forward to my grades coming up. friday is the end of the 6 weeks and i wanna die. i got to work tonight. i was really good. michelle and i were up front and she just likes to sit on her butt most of the time so i got a lot done which is what i like to do (stay busy). i was so happy. jill asked me if i wanted to go first or let her go. i told her to let michelle go first and she was happy with my choice telling me that im a better worker than michelle and she likes me better. o and i got 30 hrs. and 40 min of work this week! woo-hoo. havent got that much work in since mom and dad put me on curfew. i broke a plate tonight within one of my moments of frustration. bita was so nice to help me out and clean it up. well tonight is church and im really excited. i really hope sara can come. she probably will. well i dont really have much more to say b/c i cant really think all that well right now. o im taking my b/f (when i get one) to bob evans for a date cause thats just what all the cool people do. i mean how many people go to bob evans for valentines day. apparently more than a couple. so i better bounce cause its 1:30 am. and i still have algebra 2 hw to do and chem hw but thats not due tomorrow. TTFN

2006-02-09T18:34:00.000-08:00

wooo im hyper. today ended really well. i thought it was going to be one of those bareable days that you manage to survive through but so far its gotten better and better. this morning was good until 1st period started. i couldnt find my notes so i was halfway paying attention to what she was saying. and plus i was writing as much as i could on notebook paper so i was all like AHH. frustrated just a lil. then i found my notes and by that time she was talking about stuff that was over my head. its like one of those times where you have to listen from the bigging to understand everything thats going on. everyone else understood or so it seemed and i was just so totally lost. i started crying. not outloud or anything but you could see it in my eyes. i wanted to just run away. i wanted to be able to understand what was going on just like everyone else. i hate not being able to understand things in school. i wanted to say stop and tell me everything to make it better. but i didnt. then 2nd period rolled around and for the past few days that class (algebra 2) has been frustrating me. ive always been good at math and caught on really well. but this is just like wow. so ive been getting his help from my teacher but i still have trouble. its quite frustrating ecspecially when he explains it and i understand and then it just leaves me and i dont remember. i have a test tomorrow. fun fun. so that class didnt exactly add anymore excitement to my day. the rest of my day went pretty well. i got really happy and hyper off of my coffee (which im not on right now). then work came along. seth treated me like crap, made me look like a fool in front of everyone b/c he was treating me like a 5 year old. o well thats just stuff you gotta put up w/. then n8 said i didnt like him cause i wasnt seating him (not on purpose). i told him he was right "i dont like you". he's one of those types of guys who all (and i mean all) the girls think is hot and drool all over him. i told him he wasnt hot. he always seems surprised when someone comes along that doesnt drool all over him. he's just another guy. so tonight he was bugging me and i finally sat him and he said "WOO". and he started poking me "dont touch me" i told him. "dont touch you", "dont touch me". probably not use to girls saying that to him. "o come on esther" as he trys to give me a hug. "no" and i walk away from him. then i was bussing a table of his and he grabbed some dishes and came up beside me to the bussing cart and kinda pushed me over with his body (in a nonsexual way). Me:"does somebody need some room, cause you forgot to say excuse me". then he looked at me and asked me when we were going to hang out. i was like!!!! "i have better things to do". but ya he was all playful towards me all night and i just put up w/ it but didnt play back. i guess im all excited b/c it wont happen again. lol. daniel smaked my butt at work today. ooo did that make me mad. he has a g/f and that aint his to be touching. i never ever gave him permission. NO. so it was a good night. i was thinking today...dont u just hate those week (if that long) crush things. like where you totally fall for a guy that you know you'd never date or go out with but your all like: he looked at me (like a total 1st grader going on here). o i found 2 more people for the apartment!!! yes! i dout that itll work but they want to move out when they turn 18 so we started talking and i was like "hey you should stay w/ me, move in with me" and they both were all excited about it so maybe! lol tonight at wal-mart w/ zach, andy, araon, and that one kid yelling help and that guy acting all cool with his salsa. lol so funny. well i gotta bounce. o sara wants to come to church with me now!!! its a miracle and an answer to my prayers. did i say this in yesterdays blog? o well.....TTFN.

2006-02-08T19:06:00.000-08:00

tonight was awesome. i went to church and a lot happened there. jake was lifted up and naomi and i both saw visions of him. then i lifted sara up and that was powerful to say the least. i saw visions and felt pain. visions of other people were seen also. but im so confused in a way. confused and hurt and troubled. i believe god has something very powerful for sara and i in life. he wants both of us. he's called her out. i know this for a fact. there's so much that we could do together but there's so much that needs to be brought out from under the rug. i need to tell her everything and im scared but god has shone me that if we work together we will stay together and support one another. we will be greatly and i mean GREATLY rejected. i know i cant do it alone for i will crumble and give into the world. it will hurt very badly b/c a big part of me doesnt want this change. it wants to stay right where its at. i need help getting over it. i (we) have a long road ahead of us. a very long road, with many struggles. prayer is all that can save us. well god to!

2006-02-07T19:51:00.000-08:00

well i had a really good blog written all out and then my computer goes flop. so ill try to retype what i had but i know it wont be as good. bane and i talked tonight! woo-hoo. but it was awkward cause i never see him anymore or really talk to him that much anymore. he has very limited min. this month due to his dad's talking skills so he can only talk after 9 and then when i do call him he never seems to pickup the phone. he has this deal where he always leaves his phone at home rather than takes it with him to places which is weird to me cause i take my phone with me everywhere. i would feel naked without it. unless its during school and then i just dont care. dad got on me tonight. mom had asked me to do the dishes and feed the outside cats and when i got home i ate and went and crashed in my brothers room and just chilled. i hadnt forgotten about what i was suppose to do, i just wasnt doing it right away. part of it was being lazy and the other part was me waiting on dad to get done eating so i could do the dishes all at once instead of in spurs. as for taking care of the cats, thats never hard to do and it hardly takes any time at all. but mom called him and said i was suppose to do the dishes not him and he got mad and told me to get off my butt and do my job. it only took me 20 min. to do dishes and cats and then i was ready to go get naomi from drama only to find out that mom was picking her up after she told me she wouldnt. kinda frustrating (AHH). just a lil. we voted for prom king and queen today which is so very stupid. prom is cool and all but who really needs a king and queen. thats basically saying the most popular people in our school get crowns put on their head for being cool. its so stupid. whats new. i voted for sara and southside. lol. that would be fun to say the least. i love you candy and im sry we had that lil disagrement today. i hate fighting with candy cause we've always been there for one another and it hurts to fight. 1 more week until valentines day! i dont have to celebrate it this year. come to think of it ive never had to celebrate it. ive never managed to keep a boyfriend around long enough to celebrate that holiday. surprise. always messing something up. people or just life in general. i was thinking about sparkle today. i tried to talk to him today but that didnt go to hot. sometimes i just wish that i could go up to him and be like "hey there you" and actually have a conversation. i miss him at times. wish that i could just walk up to him, hug him and tell him everything will be alright. i sometimes wish he would just walk up hug me, kiss me and hold me and tell me everything will be ok and how much he misses me. but that'll never happen. my fault again. i cant remember what else i had in my blog but there was more. if i think of it ill type it later. but i gotta bounce.

2006-02-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

feeling everything tonight (or so it seems). feeling like a failure, feeling confused, feeling hurt. i know im failing school...my grades prove that. it seems im so tired anymore. feeling like im failing at my job b/c lately ive constantly been taking off work. for strep throat, choir's solo and emsemble which i didnt even sing my solo at ('_'). then im very confused over bane. im probably just over reacting and spazing out about nothing cause that's what i always do but maybe there is something there. ive been ignored since sat. around 3:00. no returned phone calls, no text messages...nothing. but like i said it's probably no big deal and even if it is maybe this is the way things are suppose to happen. maybe this is the end of bane and i (our friendship). though i really hope not. bane is a good friend. never one to pressure anyone into anything. and always good to talk to (when you do get to talk). so sat. was solo and ensemble (and zach's surprise b-day party) (it's a surprise party!) and the large girls ensemble got a first so we are going to state for that...woo-hoo! and the trio consisting of naomi, cadence and i actually placed even though it was bronze. but sat. was basically the first day we practiced together w/out other people singing our parts w/ us. naomi knew her part but cadence and i were iffy on ours. but we had fun. i dropped my solo for i sounded like crap (naomi even said so) and my tonsils hurt which didnt help the matter. hopefully next year ill go to state. today i went to work and came home and crashed. im learning how to become a server which requires me to memorize everything on the menu and ticket sheet. fun. ive been thinking a lot lately about my idea to move out when i turn 18. right now my plans are to get an apartment with friends and split the rent. the only rule i have is that anyone who lives w/ us has a job or someway of paying the bills. i feel bad b/c i love my family and ill miss them but dad already told me that he's not going to pay for college, which i understand, so im going to have to get an apartment when i go to college anyway, b/c im not doing the whole dorm thing, and im not comuting from school to home. so the reasons for moving into an apartment this fall (or next) seem higher than reasons not to. omgosh we have to make a cooking movie for spanish in spanish! definitly something to freak out about. should i retake my classes for academic honors diploma or just be satisfied w/ core 40. im thinking i should retake. i wish i could take summer school. and just balance that with work. i think it would help a lot, but i dont know anything about that. well im off to bath and go to bed. night everyone xoxoxo.

2006-02-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

Venting while feeling lost.
strang how the mind works. it seems to me that i am constantly fighting with it or against it. i've been struggling a lot lately in my life as it seems a lot of people are around me. well at least my friends. i know i hang with the wrong crowd but somehow i feel there is a reason for it. i feel so excepted and understood. but i know god understands and excepts me more than any person ever could. i feel so lost and confused. half of me wants to go back to the life i once lived. getting drunk under the spirit of god and knowing that he's real and there for me. but then the other half of me wants to go its own way. at times i feel so pressured into loving god that it just makes me wanna scream. i know people are just trying to help me out and show me the right way but they all want me to act a certain way and do certain things. my friends and coworkers dont understand the love of jesus. they probably have nothing to do with him. sara understands...she's been through a lot with me and i with her. half of me just wants to experiment and try the things ive never tried before. ive never gotten drunk. is it so bad to want this. most people would say yes. i have respect for people who have been through (or put themselves through) what ive been through. that is why i hang out with the people that i do. my friends are crazy. puddles is involved in drugs. (stupid enough to bring some to school.) but so is half of our school. candy gets hit by her mom, she struggles with food, and guys, and her weight. sprinkles has tried to take her life more than once. i will cry so much if she ever succeeds. she has had drugs in her past and a horrible home life. then there are becca and sabra which are my close friends that arent involved in anything more than the normal highschool drama. i love them so much. then there is bane...what can i say about bane. he has been there for me since the moment we met. he's always there to listen to me blabber and vent, and be myself around him. he was there when i was struggling and frustrated with life. he is the only one who doesnt make my choices for me. he says "it's up to you, the choices you make in life are your own and im not going to force you to go one way or another". he's never been like "why do you do that. what were you thinking?" he just says stuff happens. you move on and get over it. he always made me laugh. so i go day by day making the choices that i make wheather good or bad and live and learn. what path will i choose to follow? what path will i feel like i have to follow? will puddles come to school stoned tomorrow? its hard to tell. could i be the light among my friends that will someday guild them onto the right path? so many questions in my mind. its crazy. im hurting so much and yet keeping it all in. so confused and lost. pray for me for tomorrow will bring new choices for me to make and there is a difference between what is right and what i want. god has a plan for me, so why am i happy with this path that i have and am choosing to follow. why?

2006-01-26T21:27:00.000-08:00

Omgosh i actually have a blog! now all i have to do is keep it updated which shouldnt be that hard, right? Do you ever wish that you could make people see the world from your eyes, to show them how life really is behind everything else. i do. i often wonder how awesome it would be to live in someone else's world for a day. People judge much too quickly. Believe me im not an exception. When people see my life...what do they see? So much of it is locked up inside of me and im not ready to let it out yet. should i tell all within the blogs that i write or just cover the basics? guess we'll find out!...Today was an all to normal day. school, work, hw and my social life. i was thinking today about my friends and what they mean to me. but we wont go into that right now. anyway...im running on pure coffee right now, so its keeping me awake. i love starbucks. ugg i have a test tomorrow which im halfway confident about but sis needs to go in early so ill get help then. i know i didnt write much of anything but in time i will.
ciao......sUgAR.